Chuck Norris Jokes Showing He Knows Victoria’s Secret

These are the only Chuck Norris jokes Chuck Norris has allowed to exist:

#1 Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret.

#2 I once dreamt of having a fight with Chuck Norris. I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

#3 Most people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Chuck sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

#4 Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

#5 Chuck Norris has a diary, it is called the Guinness Book of World Records.

#6 Chuck Norris doesn’t lift weights. They rise out of respect.

#7 When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor said, “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

#8 Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best damn lemonade you’ve ever had.

#9 Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices; his vehicles run on fear.

#10 The Universe admits that the Big Bang did happen, it calls it that one night with Chuck.

#11 They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris… Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

#12 On the 7th day, God rested. Then, Chuck Norris took over.

#13 Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

#14 What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open? Bought it back for a refund.

#15 If Chuck Norris were on the Titanic, the iceberg would have dodged the ship.

#16 Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.

#17 Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

#18 Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

#19 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, hence why there are no signs of life.

#20 Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.

#21 Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

#22 Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups; he pushes the world down.

#23 Chuck once mooned someone. That event still controls our tides.

#24 Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the face. We now call those animals “giraffes.”

#25 Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

#26 There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard, only another fist.

#27 Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

#28 Little kids like to wear Superman underwear. Superman likes to wear Chuck Norris underwear.

#29 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

#30 Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest with Superman. I’m not going to say who won, but the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside for the rest of his life.

#31 He doesn’t wear a watch. Time lines up nicely.

#32 Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a cyclops between the eye.

#33 Chuck never flushes the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.

#34 Chuck Norris can pass a vision test with his eyes closed.

#35 Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return … and returned.

#36 When he divides by zero, zero thanks him.

#37 The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris every night.

#38 Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

#39 There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

#40 Chuck Norris got mad at dinosaurs just once. Only once.

#41 Chuck Norris once made a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Jada. Will Smith slapped himself in response.

#42 The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

#43 Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

#44 Gravity checks with Chuck Norris before calling things down.

#45 Chuck Norris wears a hat to protect the sun.

#46 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

#47 God said, “Let there be light.” Chuck Norris replied: “Say please.”

#48 Gmail address of Chuck Norris: [email protected]

#49 When Chuck Norris cooks, he makes the onion cry.

#50 Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

#51 If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

#52 Chuck Norris performed the C-Section for his own birth.

#53 Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

#54 Cats wish they had Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

#55 Bruce Lee once told Chuck Norris a joke. Chuck didn’t laugh; Lee disappeared.

#56 Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

#57 Chuck Norris ate a Rubik’s Cube and shit it out solved.

#58 Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

#59 When Chuck Norris turns on Airplane Mode, airports check in with him.

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